No words

Is it wrong to feel a little hurt? Is it bad that I got affected?
There was a moment when I held my breath. I couldn’t breathe.
The pain was slowly coming. It started from my tummy and made its way to my heart.
Is this really pain? I actually don’t have any words for what I feel right now.

Can I pretend to be happy for him? Oh yes, I can.
Can I honestly say that it hurts? Oh no, I can’t.
Should I tell myself to suck it up? Definitely, remember, you left him.
Should I tell him what I am feeling right now? Definitely not, nothing will change.

You’re getting better. You’re improving.
Don’t look back. No, that’s the wrong way.
Remember it was just a fling. It supposed to be nothing.
But that nothing meant something. I can’t lie about that.

23 Things Only People Who Love Spending Time Alone Will Understand

Thought Catalog

Sascha KohlmannSascha Kohlmann

1. A weekend in which you have no plans, no responsibilities, and nowhere at all to be, ranks as one of the best weekends you’ll ever have.

2. Sometimes friends will try to make plans with you and you have no reason to decline except for the fact that you just want to be alone that day. (Your plan is to have no plans, people need to understand that by now, right?)

3. A good album, book, or television show can keep your attention far longer than any party, club, or bar could.

4. Going away to a remote cabin in the middle of the woods to just exist for a period of time sounds like the best idea for a vacation that you can think of.

5. There is nothing more exciting than planning a long, solo road trip, because you know you’re going to be able…

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Fear

I fear death.

The process of dying. The cause or causes of why you’re dying. Your faults in making your body weak and unreliable. Death itself is what I fear. I have these questions that I know will never be answered. Questions like: what will happen after I die? Will I get to heaven? Is there really a guard there where he’ll be asking your name and check if I really belong there? Will I go to hell? Will I suffer? Will I get to see my dead relatives? What will happen to the people that I’ve left behind? Who will be at my funeral? Will they be there? Will they forget me?

I fear oblivion.

Like Augustus, I also fear oblivion. From all the people I’ve met, them being my friends, colleagues, classmates or even just strangers that you walk pass by. Would they always remember me?

I fear growing up.
I fear the future.

In growing up, I’m moving closer to the future. Passing time where the future is becoming the present. Time is moving fast. It just slows down when we’re in school. But in reality, it’s as fast as the pacing of the seconds in the clock. I grow up and I face new responsibilities, bigger problems and harder challenges. It’s not just about me anymore, but more about the people that are surrounding me. I experience life decisions in choosing what path to take, what I should be doing after I graduate. I see how my parents and grandparents getting old. There’s this pressure that is pushing me to grow up right away because I have to take care of them. That force that’s telling me, “Hurry up and decide what you should do! You still have a lot to go through, a lot to accomplish.” Seeing them getting old gives me this fear. Not just fear. A mixture of fear and anxiety. What if I get lost along the way? Who will I go to when they’re gone? What if I fail? What if I make another mistake? Who will tell me that everything is going to be alright?

I fear leaving.

I get hurt whenever I lose a friend. I am sad when no one’s talking to me. I cry even at thought of someone leaving. Someone leaving is like saying that, “I’m going without you and I don’t know if I would come back.”

I fear my emotions.

My emotions are one of the strongest living thing in my body. They are one of the things that’s dictating me on how to live my life. What if they take over my whole being?

I fear life.

There’s something about life that is beautifully deadly. It shows you how great it is to live. How great it is to love and to experience everything. But suddenly, it gives you these mysteries. These problems that you have no idea on how to handle. These thoughts of what you should be doing and what you want to do. Until you go crazy and consumes you. That’s it. I fear that life would consume me until I don’t feel alive anymore.

I fear fear.

Is there anything more to say? That’s just it. Fear is what I fear the most. It is a powerful element that kills and saves a life. Ironic isn’t it? But that’s just life. Living life is also living in fear.

Ang Buhay, Parang Life.

Okay so. Uhm. I don’t know what’s happening now.
I mean, oo. Nag-aaral ako para sa finals.
Oo, malapit nang matapos ang sem.
Pero sa school yun.
Pano naman sa buhay ko?

Hindi ko masasabing hindi rant o reklamo ito.
More like, i don’t know. Just want to release something?
Akala ko kasi pwedeng takasan ang mga bagay-bagay. Lalo na kung bad memory man ‘to.
But what you don’t know is that it’s hunting you.
Every. Single. Day. Of. Your. Life.

I thought things would go smoothly this 2014. Hindi ko naman sinasabi na wala nang lungkot or anything bad. Pero akala ko mababawasan. Turns out, it wasn’t.

2014 was the year to turn legal. The year where I got to travel and see that there are more things to see. I got up and reconnected with everyone that I kinda was disconnected from. But as 2014 is ending, this is when I’m facing new challenges.

First. Passing the first semester of second year. Damn bro! Ang hirap ng majors. Lalo na pag yung isa dun, sobrang nakakabore. Isipin mo ba naman 6 na oras straight? Ano ba yan.

Second. Ito na, sa buhay ko na talaga ‘to. Simulan natin sa love life.

May isang nanligaw. Actually, di ko nga alam na liniligawan niya pala ako. Okay naman lahat. Pina-intindi ko rin sa kanya na di pa ko ready kaya sabi ko, tigilan na niya yung feelings niya. Makikipag-kaibigan naman ako eh. Pero nalaman kong may girlfriend pala siya habang “liniligawan” ako. So ano yun, plano pa niya kong gawing kabit? Hay nako. Mahihirapan talaga ako magtiwala nito.

Ito namang recent. Well, 2 weeks lang naman yung mu. Pero parang ang hirap maka-move on. Lalo na kung pareho kayo ng school. Luckily, I don’t get to see him. Kaya ako bumitiw nung una kasi takot ako. Puro takot na nga ang naririnig niya sakin eh. Pero ano magagawa ko, takot naman talaga ako eh. Pareho naman kaming philophobic. Nagsisi ako na bumitiw ako. Nagtry akong bumalik, pero wala na talaga. Siya na rin mismo ang umayaw. So tumigil ako. What happened? I was the first to leave, but I am the one who’s dealing with my emotions. In short, sobrang naheart broken. You may say that, “Ano ba yan! 2 linggo lang yung mu niyo, hindi ka pa makamove on? OA ha.” Pero hindi mo naman alam yung feeling sa dalawang linggong yun. Basta ang hirap. Pero kakayanin. Sembreak na rin naman eh.

Third. Malala ‘to. I feel like my friends (high school friends) are leaving me.

So, may barkada ako nung high school. 4 kami nun. Nung nagcollege, ang nakakasama ko na lang talaga ay yung dalawa. Kasi yung isa, hindi ko alam kung talaga bang magkaibigan kami o sadyang… Ewan di ko alam. Then recently, yung isa dun sa dalawang nakakasama ko, nakaaway ko. Until now, di pa rin naayos. Di pa naman ako gumagawa ng efforts para sa kanya. One reason is baka hindi rin naman niya pansinin. Mga tipong baka makita ko na lang sa twitter na tinapon niya or sabihin niya na di ko makukuha yung sorry niya sa pagbigay-bigay lang ng regalo. It discourages me because I saw what the person said about me. From all the years that we have spent being the closest of friends, that person was the least person I thought of saying that about me. I have to be honest in saying that I have still a little pride when it comes to apologizing. I’m guilty of what I did and I really want that person’s forgiveness. But there’s something in me that was disappointed. From all the people, I thought that person was going to understand. Yes it was my fault but I thought we were matured enough in dealing with this. Well I guess, we’re not. So I decided to shut my mouth. Di na ko magpaparamdam kasi baka itaboy niya lang ako. Mas masakit yun. I don’t know if I’ll wait until I have the guts na lumapit sa kanya or I’ll just wait until it rots and be forgotten. Mageeffort naman talaga ako. Pero siguro sa pasko na. Not because there’s a possibility na magparaya siya kasi pasko. No, alam kong di siya ganon. But I guess I’ll just sum everything up. Bahala na if it’s good bye. Di ko na kasi alam kung gusto mo pa niya maging kaibigan.

Fourth. Nakakatakot tumanda.

Fifth. Di pala ganon ka-open yung mommy ko sa lahat ng bagay. Nabasa niya lang na nag-“tangina” ako sa chat, parang lahat na ng pwedeng isumbat dun, nasumbat na niya.

Sixth. Natatakot ako sa pwedeng mangyari. Ayoko pang mawala lahat ng lolo at lola ko. Di ko kaya. Baka di ako matapos sa pag-iyak.

Seventh. Ano bang mangyayari sa buhay ko…

I am never good in dealing with my problems.
I tend to run away from it, expecting that it would die on its own.
Yes, I’m learning. But in learning, I experience pain.
I can’t handle pain.
But I guess I just have to live with it.
Wala eh, ganon talaga.
Ang buhay, parang life.